Just a matter of time

I find myself with no time. And when I say no time, I mean no spare time. Of course, I have time to go to work (since I have no choice in the matter), I have time to brush my teeth and time to clean the kitchen floor. But I don’t have time to BE. I have no time to just sit and watch the world go by, to just look out to the sea and day-dream. I have no time to do the things that inspire me because everything else takes over.

It’s quite sad when you realise that your life is passing by and you are not being able to take control of it, to take the bull by the horns and say: “Hey, I have a say here! I want to spend my time differently!”. I want some time for creative idleness. That time that you use to do nothing or do a lot. That time that you use to do whatever floats your boat, to make you happy, to inspire you and make you productive.

Some people like to drink, others like watching TV, some people eat to pass the time and others go running. I like to just BE. I don’t have a specific activity that I like doing to be in my creative idleness zone. I go with the flow. Sometimes even cleaning gets me in the mood to create something and that’s fine, as long as I feel like I’ve achieved something from time to time.

I know that we all suffer the pressures of not having enough time in the day – and I’m not even considering the ones who have children (honestly, can’t figure out how they manage!).  We all have things that if we don’t do, we feel guilty about. I feel guilty when I don’t give myself the time to exercise, for example. I know that my body benefits immensely from it and I know I like it after I start it but, most of the time, I simply can’t be bothered and then I feel really bad for not making the effort afterwards. I also feel a little guilty if I don’t keep the house clean enough or if I don’t give enough time to my friends. We need more hours in the day!

I always give 110% at work and although I consider this a good thing, I get home with my brain cells smashed. Some nights, I get home with no more energy than the necessary to make something to eat, shower and go to bed. Yes, it is demanding because it’s always so busy, but it does drain me and affects my life outside work. And life should NOT be just about work, there is so so so much more to it!

I wish my time was spent more wisely. I wish I didn’t care if there are clothes to be washed or a sink to be cleaned. I wish I was more of a ‘happy go lucky’ kind of girl. But I’m not. No matter how much I try, the dirty sink will get on my nerves if I leave it, so I’d rather go and spend 5 minutes doing it than worrying about it for the rest of the day. It’s just the way I am, I guess.

I’m not sure what I can do to make this better, rather than writing about it, which always helps in my case. I don’t know if there are things I can leave out of my ‘to do list’. I simply don’t feel able to cross anything off at the moment. I just wish I could get ‘in the zone’ a bit quicker. By being in ‘the zone’ I mean getting to that place where your mind is clear, ready, inspired. That moment when I feel I can create something out of nothing, something I can call MINE, something special, even if only to me.

This quote kind of explains how I feel about time:

“The soul requires duration of time – rich, thick, deep, velvety time – and it thrives on rhythm. Soul can’t be hurried or harried… We may go through many events in the day and experience nothing because the soul has not had the opportunity to feel them from many different points of view.” Roberto Sardello

The choices we have to make every single day on how we divide the hours in the day into what deserves our attention can be overwhelming. And I know when I’m not making the right ones because I basically feel crap if I don’t do the things I like to do. It’s simple maths really:

Time + things I like to do = Happy Marilia

Time + things that I have to do but don’t necessarily like to = Unhappy Marilia

My commitment to myself from now on must be, I guess, to try and declutter. I must try and erase from my life the things that don’t deserve that much of my attention. Like cleaning, for instance. Maybe I can clean less, so I can read more. Maybe I can worry less, so I can day-dream more. Maybe I can just apply this newly found maths to everything that requires time in my life. This way, I’ll know straight away if spending time on something I don’t really want to do is taking away time that I’d be using to do the things I love, so I’ll feel more empowered to saying no to a few things here and there. If we think about it, even the person who has absolutely nothing, has time. Time is universal, everyone has it, even if only a little left. This makes us pretty powerful. We ARE in charge.

Right, enough talk, I’m gonna go make a nice coffee and read my book for an hour. Sod the washing-up.

Seeing without looking

I have always admired security people. They have this strength in their posture, in the way that they carry themselves. They just have this fierce look in their eyes, as if they are prepared for anything and everything at any time. I think this perception of mine has probably something to do with the movie ‘The Bodyguard’. Yes, that very same one you’re thinking of, the one with Kevin Costner and (the late) Whitney Houston. I just remember Kevin Costner being so strong and so controlled.

Control. This is an intrinsic characteristic of security people. They need to be able to control themselves and also others. I admire that. And I admire even more when such security people are the ones in the Olympic games. Have you noticed them throughout the whole thing? There they are, in their coloured jackets, looking at all the spectators, since they are not allowed to turn back and look at the games.

They don’t know who is winning, who is losing. They can only guess. But boy, that must be fun. Imagine being able to observe and analyse people’s reactions – sad or happy, exasperated or relieved – to something without looking too creepy? Imagine that you are allowed to look at them as much as you want when they are lost in the moment. You can notice the crease of the forehead, the narrowing of the eyes, the big smile that unfolds.

The games here in London have been a massive success and these security people have seen it all through a different light. They could not look at the winning moment approaching, the missed throw, the rivalry, the kissing of the floor when it all ends. So they felt it through everyone else’s reactions.

Damm. I wish I had volunteered to be a security person in the Olympic Games. I’m sure I’d have quite a bit to report.

 

Olympic Fever

Some people are saying that they are sick and tired of watching all of the TV adverts with an Olympic twist, that all they see are babies in Olympic vests and red, white, blue, red, white blue everybloodywhere. Some people get sick and tired of too much of something.

Well, in this case, I LIKE IT! I like it how the community gets together and I like how we all celebrate the athletes’ achievements as if they were our own achievements. These committed, driven individuals share their glories with us, lazy asses that only care enough to watch it on the telly. I like how generous they are to do it for their country and for each one of us spectators. What a nice thing to have someone pushing themselves to the limit just to make us smile and cheer loudly.

Being a Brazilian but also a British citizen, I find myself in funny situations when talking to people about the Olympic competitions. I say a lot of “We” did this, “We” did that, not making it very clear if I mean “We” British or “We” Brazilians. My fellow work colleagues sometimes ask what I mean but, most of the time, I realise that I’m not making much sense and add the odd word in to make myself understood, so they then know exactly if I’m talking about Team GB or the Brazilian crowd.

My approach to the Olympics is the same as the one I have in the World Cup. I support Brazil if Brazil is playing, I support England if England is playing. But if Brazil is playing England, sorry, it’s Brazil all the way! I also like to see poor third world countries winning, as I imagine winning something at this scale is a big confidence boost for citizens of places that find themselves in difficult situations.

The most special thing about the Olympics, though, is the sense of community, the sense of “we are all in this together”, even though we are not the ones jumping high or running fast. I like how we all dress the part, talk the talk and cheer loud enough for the athletes to hear us, no matter the distance.

I’ve also realised that I’m starting to like sport more and more. And this is big, coming from someone that didn’t even like PE at school. I like the fact that it’s really black and white and not subjective at all. If you do your best time, if you score, if you do better than your opponent, then you win. There is no ‘opinion’ about how you perform. There are set parameters and all is very clear and simple. And I like simple things.

I’m having a blast watching all the Olympic stuff on the telly. No, I didn’t make my way down to London because I thought that the ticket prices were robbery in daylight, but I’m happy with seeing it all from the best angles from my own comfy sofa. And let the best ones win! (be them Brazilians, British, Canadians, Australians, Ethiopians…..)