Monthly Archives: January 2012

Is it time for baby yet?

I have just been to a baby shower. The mum-to-be was glowing and looked so happy and excited. And watching all that… oh dear, I do worry.

I have written about this before but as the months and years pass by, I find myself freaking out more and more about my lack of maternal instinct. I have lovely friends that have amazingly gorgeous and clever children but a few hours with them is enough for me. I enjoy it but have no desire to have some of my own. I don’t have that gut instinct that tells me: “hell yeah, I want that!”

This is really starting to bug me now. I’ll be 33 years old this year and when I look at my friends, I start to feel left out because I’m not running around a baby like they are but, at the same time, I feel kind of lucky. I have the entire time to do the stuff I like, not having to worry about looking after someone else that needs my full attention. It must be exhausting. But then again, I must be missing out on something, as there must be something amazing about motherhood that I’m bound to enjoy. I just don’t know what it is, although I suppose I’ll only know when my baby finally arrives. Or so this is what they say!

I reckon it will be nice having a baby running around and saying cute and clever things. I reckon I will feel proud of my child and will love it all in the end. It’s just that I’m such a worrier by nature… I will worry about the birth for the full 9 months, I will worry about money, space, about the how my relationship will be affected, about losing myself as a person… and then can you imagine when the kid is in their teens and they go out? I’ll worry all night long and won’t get any sleep. And I need my sleep. Sometimes, it feels like motherhod is a no-return ticket to “worry land” when Ialready fight so hard on a daily basis to just chill out more.

I wish I was 5 years younger, which would mean that I’d have 5 years of “freedom” still. But unfortunately there isn’t such a thing as going back in time or adding years to one’s life, what a great shame!

Having said all that, I look around and think that if so many women are doing it, it must be good and I must be missing out. Hummm… I think I still have about a year to make my mind up and then go for it. I don’t want to be 45 and regret not having kids as I think it’s got to be amazing. It’s got to be. It’s got to be. Or so I’ll make myself believe.

Categories: Babies | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

A place to call home

Big news today! Lee and I decided that we are going to move out from the house we currently share with two of our lovely Scottish friends. We thought it was about time we lived just the two of us, since we are all grown up and all, hehe…

So, in early January, we told the girls and our landlord that we would be moving out and then the search began for a new pad, with the help of the very trusted and popular It’s very useful to be able to do the bulk of the work online, and soon we had a shortlist and booked appointments to view the places.

Now one thing that I’ll say is that the people who actually take the pictures for the estate agents (which I believe are themselves!) are not doing a very good job most of the time. In some cases they showcase the places to be a lot smaller than they actually are and in many occasions they simply forget or don’t bother taking pictures of some rooms which, in my opinion, is a big mistake. Once we established that, we decided that the best move was to actually go and see places, even if they didn’t look quite right on the Rightmove website. This paid off, as we actually liked some that we never thought we would.

We viewed about 15 flats and houses and, about a week ago, we were thinking we would have to go back to the drawing board when we went to see the last one of our list for the day. This was a flat on the North Promenade in St Annes and, when we went in, we headed straight to the lounge. The sun was shining and there was a massive reflection of the sea right back onto our stunned faces. Our jaws dropped and we were both in a trance. We looked at each other, smiling, and said: “This is it, this is where we want to live”, almost at the same time. And at this point, we had not even seen the kitchen, bedrooms and bathroom! When we did eventually move away from the balcony with sea views, we happily established that the rest of the flat was just as good and, voila! – a decision was made.

We then went back to the estate agents and paid the fee to secure the property. One point to make here is this: if you see a property to rent that ou really like, do not wait until the end of the day to make a decision, as they get snapped up really quickly and you may lose out. This is why we went straight to the estate agents and paid the fees to secure it, as soon as possible. On the week that followed, we filled in application forms and then got confirmation last Friday that the flat is ours! woohooooo!

It’s a real shame that we can’t afford a deposit to buy a house at the moment, as I know that the money we spend on rent is money that we could be using to pay towards a place of our own. However, this is one step of many in our lives together as a couple, or so I hope. Sometimes, we just need to break down the big dream into tiny little surmountable hills and go slowly, or at a pace that is right for you at that particular point in time. The main thing, in my view, is to keep moving towards what you want in life… and this little rented flat is one step towards what we want the future to be.

Categories: St Annes living | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Hard to pinpoint

It’s funny how people just look at me with a massive question mark on their faces when they ask me where I’m from and I answer Brazil.  People say that my English is good (which makes me very proud, hehe), but obviously you can’t totally hide an accent, as much as you try.

This week, the break lights went on on my dashboard so I called the RAC to have a look, as Google told me that it was dangerous to drive like that as the breaks may fail! (nooo!). The guy from the RAC was really nice and found the problem, just an ABS sensor that needs replacing and it will cost a little, as everything does nowadays.

Then, in conversation whilst he was doing the paperwork, he asked me where I was from. I said I was from Brazil, and in that same instant, he dropped his pen, looked right into my eyes and asked: “And what the hell are you doing here?”. I gave him a smile and my usual answer to this usual question. This answer is: “I came to study and never left. I think I got used to the place and now I love it.” He kept on looking at me, as if I was going to carry on talking but, since I kept quiet (and smiling), he picked up his pen, and lowered his head but then looked up at me again and said: “That’s crazy!” before carrying on completing the form about my car’s fault.

This question bugs me. It’s nothing to do with people’s curiosity. It’s to do with my inability to answer it! I honestly cannot answer it satisfactorily so, over the years, I came to the answer above, which has now become my automatic reply to this question.

To be honest, I like the British weather. I know this may sound absolutely crazy, but I do like the cold and I love the fact that summer over here is not so humid and soooo hot you need an air con on all the time. I like the endless summer days, when it goes dark at 10 at night. I love the fact that people here cherish the sun so much, because it’s not always there. So there you go. Against all odds, the weather is one of my favourite things.

Then there is the organisation. People follow rules and I admire that, as it makes for a fairer society. If you need something done, you find information about it and you know what to do. People treat people fairly too, whether you are the president or the bin man.

I also like being near all the European countries and be able to travel. Yes, ok, I know that things in Brazil are going really well at the moment and maybe I’d be able to go places a lot even if I was living there, but there is some kind of magic about living near places you love. And I love some places here in Europe.

Then, of course, there is a man. I fell in love with a British guy, a lovely man who is so British it hurts, ha! And I suppose this makes me stay… and stay… and stay… to the point that I don’t even consider going back anymore.

So there you have it. I bet there will be more reasons for my being here popping into my head after I post this, but for now, this is why I live here. Oh, and the reason why I am where I am specifically (Lytham St Annes) is because it’s a BEACH … and I simply LOVE the beach.



Categories: Living away from home | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Big cheese

The moon tonight looks absolutely amazing here in my little corner of the world! It looks like a massive cheese full of holes and wonderful yellowy shades. I’m in love with it at the moment and have been going to my window every five minutes to check it out (as if it would disappear any second!).

I saw a beautiful sunset yesterday and today the moon is making my night. Lucky me! I’ve been really tuned into nature stuff lately, especially what is on the sky. I must like looking up, which is not bad, but I have to be careful not to trip up! Oh dear, where is this post going?

My point is… we have blessings every day, we just need to open our eyes and welcome them into our lives.

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Always there

I went for a walk today and witnessed a gorgeous sunset. St Annes never fails to present people who can be bothered to walk to the beach with a marvellous array of colours when the sun goes down. I don’t go to see it every day but, when I do, I feel so so lucky! I don’t yet have the house by the beach, but the beach is not too far, so for now I guess it’s good enough. : )

Sunset in St Annes

Categories: St Annes living | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Boom, boom, boom!

What is it about fireworks that make people just melt a bit? It’s so intense that we kind of go into a trance watching them. I absolutely love it. The London ones on New Year’s Eve were amazing, this time with music, which made them even better than usual. There is no better way to enter a brand new year. Boom, boom, boom, pow, pow, pow, here we go, into a brand new year with style!

Categories: London | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

The house by the beach dream

It’s now the second of January and here is my first New Year’s resolution accomplished: to start my own blog… once again. I have always had outlets for my writing… either on the journals that I have written all my life, or on other blogs that I still write for or had in the past. But this one is different. This is the one where I will be so honest it may hurt. With this one, I don’t really care if people think I’m self-obsessed, if they don’t agree with my opinions, if they think I’m not worth reading. And the reason I don’t really care is because this is a selfish blog. Simple as that. If you enjoy reading it, cool, I’ll be most pleased. But if you don’t, that’s fine too. One of my favourite pastimes is to find the right words to form great sentences, so if you want to be a witness of my infinite trials, I welcome you.

A  house by the beach has always been a dream of mine, and I assume I share this dream with many other people. I love the idea of a desk by a window overlooking the sea, where I could sit, observe and write. This is an utopia, of course and I sometimes don’t feel I’m doing a lot to achieve this, but my dream comforts me and directs me, even if slowly, to a place where I feel happy. And, sometimes, just thinking of it does the trick to drive me forward.

Categories: Dreams | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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