Monthly Archives: February 2012

Blurting it

I’ve always been known for being honest, sometimes brutally, even. I like to tell the truth, as I find it hard to hide things. This approach has brought me problems in life, especially in my relationships with people. I tend to just blurt out whatever is going on in my mind, without giving it a second thought. Indeed, a second after the sentence is out there, I regret saying it. And then it’s too late. As they say, there are 5 things that you can never get back: the stone, after it’s thrown, the occasion, after it’s missed, the time, after it’s gone, a person, after they die and a word, after it’s said. And for me, the word is the one I have always struggled to control.

It’s funny that I have become more and more aware of this with the years. I now watch myself and I can actually feel myself thinking something over before getting it out of my mouth. It’s almost like my thoughts now go through a process and the way they make from the brain to my mouth is full of filters. I have realised, thank God, that I am getting better at it. And I have also learnt a valuable lesson with the English people: sometimes, the silence is the best way to say something without making any sound.

My job has also contributed to my learning of this new skill. I am an Account Executive in an advertising agency and I spend my days dealing with clients, who are extremely valuable to the business and deserve the best treatment, even when they aim to drive us nuts. As an Account Exec, you need to be diplomatic and also be able to tell the truth, but in a way that the words you use make whatever it is not sound so bad. The agency I work at is called Happy Creative and I now have an expression for when I have to say something on an email but need to make it sound better. I type whatever I really have to say and then go over it again and “happify” it! Job done! When talking to people, I use the same approach, which makes my thought process very complicated… I need to first figure out what I have to say and then before saying it, I need to quickly choose the best words to say it. It can be a bit tiring, but once you get used to it, you start doing it unconsciously.

I think that the fact that I’m learning how to be more careful with my words is an achievement. I still feel I have a long way to go, but long gone is the Marilia that just said however bad my thoughts were to the people in front of me. I now consider things and actually select what I’m going to say, or if I should say anything at all. This has made me a more controlled person and, overall, a fairer person too, as many times what we think in one second changes on the next. I’m still very honest and I think I always will be. I’m just now more able to make honesty sound pretty.


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Tic tac… toc toc toc

And it happens again… Every Sunday night is the same. I watch the clock going… tic tac, tic tac, tic tac, whilst I try to programme my brain to just stop and go to sleep. I know that my habit of sleeping until midday on Sundays doesn’t help my trying to go to bed at a decent time to start the week refreshed and invigorated. Instead, I’m usually dragging myself from bed to work and back home on Mondays, without the energy to do much else.

The problem is, when I’m there, tossing and turning, my brain is working overtime creating all these little situations completely out of the blue, making me end up spending valuable sleep time trying to find solutions for problems that do not even exist in my life. Yes, ok, I have been known for being a bit of a control freak, so I guess I’m just being my usual self. However, when I have meetings on a Monday morning and really could do with a sharp mind, being a control freak doesn’t help me at all!

The rolling in bed whilst trying to shift thoughts out of my head means that I end up thinking about all these horrible scenarios…  I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I’m there lying in my bed, happy and thinking that things are actually going quite ok in my life when, all of a sudden, boom! What if this happens? And how about that? Oh, no, and what if this also happens? And what do I do if all of it happens at the same time? And then I have to go and knock on the wood three times every time I think something bad. If anyone  is listening, they might think that there is a proper set of drums in my bedroom and I’m practising at 1am!

I like to always be prepared for everything, and I am so used to thinking ahead and planning (this has probably got a lot to do with my job) that I forget that most of what I’m planning for will not even have the decency to happen. So there is me, spending all this time solving some (non-existing) problems not only of my little life but of the whole entire world too! Bloody hell! How am I suppose to ever go to sleep!?

This never happens on any other night apart from Sunday, though, which makes me think that the relaxation of the weekend is what brings it on. When I’m relaxed, happy and carefree, some part of my brain goes: “Oh no, she is in the PRESENT and not looking ahead or planning actions to solve future ‘never-going-to-happen’ problems. Come on! Overwork, overwork, overwork… get her worried about something, you lazy brain!” It’s almost like my own mind is against me, which makes it all very hard to control (haha, the control again, you see?).

I can’t be the only one to suffer from brain overwork on Sunday nights, can I? What do other people do? I try to count sheep, I try to imagine myself calmly walking through a lovely and peaceful meadow, I try to hear the sound of music in my own head and even so, there is always a moment when some stupid nonsense thought comes in and breaks my relaxation in pieces… and then I start worrying again about the most absurd things… as if I had to be prepared for the collapsing of the world the following morning. To top if all off, when one bad thought enters the mind, it is generally followed by a trillion more, like a chain of bad thoughts… one after the other…  and then once I’ve solved one problem, my brain kind of acts like the cashier of the bank and shouts: NEXT!

I do feel sorry for myself. And this is only because of the irony of it all. Being the control freak that I am, I feel incapable of controlling my own thoughts… I feel powerless on Sunday nights and I feel my confidence vanishing and my heart pounding because of the frustration that this brings. Ok, you are going to say that I have to relax more. Relaxing has been a work in progress since I was born I think, and I don’t think I’ve ever achieved good marks at it. I keep trying though and I do think that during the week I’m quite good. It’s just the Sundays that throw my efforts out of the window.

It’s a bit sad that I feel the need to worry so much and can’t just shut my brain down and just get on with the snoring. It’s a bit annoying that when I manage to control so much in my life already, I am just incapable of controlling my own little paranoia. I try my best to suss life out every Sunday night, which leads me nowhere, really, because life will do as it pleases anyway. No matter how much I toss and turn, the element of surprise will always be there, and I really really do have to start appreciating the beauty of it.


Categories: Insomnia | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Good riddance…

The worst part of moving house is to decide what to take/get rid of/give to charity/fix. It’s a long process and, in many occasions, it brings up quite a diverse array of emotions. If you haven’t read in one of the previous posts, my boyfriend and I are moving from a house that we share with two friends to a 2-bed flat where it’ll be just the two of us (“Just the two of us… we can make it if we try…!”) haha! The thing is that we are moving into a smaller place. For example, in the house where we are now, we have a massive cellar where we can basically dump anything that we want to keep or anything that we are not quite ready to get rif of… just yet. It’s now the time to go to that cellar and go through boxes and more boxes to decide what we should take to our new life. And oh dear, what a torture this is.

I get easily attached to certain things. Most of them don’t have any monetary value, but the sentimental one goes well beyond the scale. And my problem is that I tend to put a sentimental value into everything that I own, so getting rid of something is a monster decision that can even mean tears. Ok, ok, I’m a big drama queen, I know, but I can’t help it!

Clothes, for example. I’ve gone through my wardrobe about 3 times so far since we decided to move, and in these 3 times, I only managed to get rid of a couple of items. It’s almost a joke. Of course, there are pieces I haven’t worn in a very long time, but amazingly for someone with a bad memory like mine, I remember when I wore some things last and remember that I was with a friend having a good time, or on a trip to some nice place, etc… and then the item goes right back where it came from… just because it made me smile again.

Clothes are hard to dispose of but, when I went through my notebooks, the attachment I create with things went up a whole level. I simply think everything is important. I see a sentence I wrote somewhere and think: “Ah, this might become a blog post one day…” or “I remember when I wrote this…” and then the result? Yes, you guessed: nothing goes. Instead, I spend hours and hours looking at things and never throw anything away because of what I now call my “nostalgic addiction”. Ahhh!

It’s been hard so far, but today, however, I woke up determined. I decided to tackle this task as if I was a professional organiser of houses and nothing really belonged to me. I tried to see it all from above (this is something I like to do when I can’t find a way out of a situation). And so I spent my day filling in the bin and bags for charity with all the stuff that no longer is part of my present.

It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t easy at all, and now that the task is (nearly) completed, I feel happy for being brave and dettaching myself off things that no longer belong in my life. If it was worth it, it will stay in my memory. Of course I won’t get rid of everything, as some things are far too important to me, but it’s important to be able to differentiate the important ones to the ones that are pure physical and mental clutter.

And this is what my Sunday was like. Full of emotion, a few tears and some moments where I had an item in my hand, going to the bin and then, almost ready to drop it there, I’d take it back for a final look. Very dramatic, me. Dettaching yourself off things is a relief and makes our lives free for new memories. It can be a bit of a painful process, but very necessary, especially when the present is so beautiful and the future is right there, smiling at me.


Categories: St Annes living | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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